Beautifully Scarred

Scar – mark left by the healing of injured tissue; mark or indentation resulting from damage or wear (Merriam Webster)

I’ve been thinking about healing quite a bit lately and gratefully experiencing it in amazing ways. Ironically, it was a recent injury that brought this to my attention. I was cooking dinner a few days ago and burned my arm. While tending to it, I had somewhat of an epiphany. I actually took a trip down memory lane as I examined my entire body and listened to my scars speak.

There are three scars in particular that speak volumes to my spirit:

1.)    A burn mark on the back of my leg (I accidentally backed into my father’s motorcycle and my leg brushed up against the exhaust pipe)

2.)    A iron burn on my arm (let’s just say this was due to an "incident" with my older sister)

3.)    A scar on my ankle (I was riding on the handlebar of my cousin’s bicycle after my father just told me not to and my foot got caught in the spokes)

These three incidents are examples of some of the ways we experience injury in life. The first is representative of life happening. There are things we may experience and there is no real rhyme or reason to it, no real answers for it. It's not anyone's fault in particular, sometimes accidents happen. The second is injury at the hands of another. What I’ve learned to realize and accept is that people can only love and give according to their experiences. Sometimes their own lives limit them and they cannot be or do what we would like. This does not diminish the injury, but it is sometimes the explanation for the injury.  However, God does have a way of sending others in our lives whose presence and gifts of love and grace overshadows the bad memories of those who hurt us. The third is a result of our own actions. When we know better, we should do better, but it is not always the case. There are times when the only person to blame for the pain we feel is the “man or woman in the mirror.” We received warning, had a feeling that perhaps we should not make a certain choice, but we did it anyway.

Each of these injuries brought about pain, tears and loud cries. These all happened when I was young and not afraid to cry.  These cries were all addressed by someone who came to my aid in time of need. We get older and are told that big girls don’t cry or that men don’t cry.  Nothing could be further from the truth. Tears are a necessary release of emotion and pain that can keep us stifled, stagnant and scornful. Cries are an alarm to those that love and care for us that something is wrong. Unfortunately, we are conditioned to believe that it’s best to keep our pain/fear/hurts from others. Unfortunately, we don’t let others see our scars.  We are afraid of judgment. Well, I now have another take on this issue. I believe my scars are a sign of triumph for they represent victory over pain and hurt. So as it is in the natural, so it is in the spirit realm. Some may look at my scars in disgust or pity, but I look at them and now smile. While the scars still remain, the pain no longer exists. I realize there is healing in the scabbing over. While it looks ugly to some, it appears to me as a beautiful sign of recovery. I pray you too can learn to rejoice and let your scars speak for themselves. There's a story of victory, if we listen closely and look through a different lens.

 

Abounding in Love and Growing in Grace,

 

Veronica

 

 

Fighting Back

 

 

 

 

 

 

The past few days have been very interesting.  The conversations I’ve had and my prayer and meditation times have revealed quite a bit. Those of you who know me or have read previous blogs, know that I battle with fear of others reading my thoughts. I can verbally articulate them with no problem, however writing them down seems to trap them and make them permanently available for critique. I know there are several books inside of me that must be released, but the fear keeps me procrastinating. I expressed to a friend last night that it makes me feel vulnerable. After this conversation and meditating on my thoughts and emotions, I understand that it is this same vulnerability that will ultimately set me free and place me on the path to help others find freedom.

As I continue to peel back the layers to get to the root of this fear and vulnerability issue, I realize that it has more to do with pride and rejection that anything else. Pride and rejection are the sources and fear and vulnerability are the symptoms. So, I’ve decided that I will fight back. How? I will tell my story. I suffer from hurt pride and rejection because…simply my pride has been hurt due to rejection. I’ve been rejected by one I gave my heart (all of me) to. I’ve been rejected by groups and people that I wanted so desperately to be a part of or connected to. I’ve been rejected by ministries that I served faithfully. I’ve had papers/research proposals rejected by professors in the academy. I’ve been rejected by companies I wanted to work for. All of this rejection…well it hurt, it hurt my pride.

Now even with the hurt, I still have a choice. I can let fear and vulnerability reign or as I stated earlier I can fight back. What I now realize is that the rejection doesn’t mean that I’m not good enough. It means I have a story to tell. So, rather than cover it up with a bandage, I rip it off the wound and let it breath. I expose it so that others can see the ugliness, the oozing, the redness…, but so that they can also see it heal. I expose it so that others can see they are not the only ones with wounds. I expose it so that the wounded can see healing is possible. I expose it so that I can also be fully engaged in the healing process.

Another aspect to this pride situation…is that I was left asking why not me? Why couldn’t I be the one chosen? Why was I not good enough? What I have since learned is that there is a path we all must take. Sometimes rejection is a blessing in disguise. Sometimes rejection is the method used to help us receive God’s best and not what is just good or good enough.  I shared with a group of ladies a few days ago, that it is actually an insult to God and the work of the Spirit when we compare ourselves to others.  God says, “I know the plans I have for YOU”. This is an individual purpose and while it works for the collective good, there is a path for us individually to take. My path has created a not so typical minister. I don’t read the bible with the same lens as others. I don’t hold true/fast to some religious thoughts/practices as others. And you know what, I’m cool with that.  My path has lead me to the knowledge that God is not transcendent (somewhere out there to be found) but rather God is immanent (dwelling within waiting to be heard). My path has taught me that God speaks even in the silence. When I’m writing and the words don’t flow, I sit because it means that there is something to which I have not paid close enough attention.

So I write this as a form of resistance. I have vowed to fight back against the hurt pride, rejection, fear and vulnerability by writing, by telling my story. I have decided to step out of the boat instead of clinging to the side.

 

Abounding in Love and Growing in Grace

 

Veronica

 

 

 

 

 

Take Me to the King

I have a confession...I don't like church. Well, church in the terms as many define and experience it. I don't like the church that refuses to acknowledge the divine gifts women embody and the positions we are called to occupy. I don't like the church that continues to disengage its members from the reality in which they live by being told to just pray about it, when there are real issues that need to be addressed and possibly even some practical measures in which it can be done. I don't like the church that prioritizes a few over the masses (the first family vs. everybody else).  I can actually go on with my list of things that I don't like the church. My own experience in church has left me drained and somewhat cynical. Some of the things I have experienced and been exposed to, willingly and unwillingly, leaves me asking questions...what are we (the church) doing and what am I doing???

 

As I write, I have to admit that if feels great to acknowledge my truth. It feels great to not go along to get along. Even though I can almost hear some of my counterparts give the, "well you can't love the head and hate the body" rationale people give when someone critiques the church, I don't care. I do, however, care about are those who have been abused (sexually, financially, emotionally, spiritually....). I care about those who sit among others every week, but for one reason or another are isolated. I do care about those who hear about the love of God preached from the pulpit but don't experience it.

 

Tamela Mann has recorded a song entitled Take Me to the King. In this song she sings about what many feel too afraid or embarrassed to admit.  She states that her heart is torn in pieces, she has been abused, she has no tears left to cry, she is all churched out...I can relate. I find myself wondering where are the Christians with the courage to help the hurting see God over the church? Yes, we are flawed and have faults, but too often the leaders are presented as infallible and the view of God becomes eclipsed. Too often the church is seen as an organization that cannot/must not be questioned and the view of God is eclipsed. The church is to be representation of God, but what happens when the representation, misrepresents the will and heart of God?

 

Will there be someone to help that person get to where healing can happen? Will there be someone courageous enough to call out the mess we sanctify each week and call it worship? What happens to those who have had their hearts torn in pieces, those with little to bring, those with no more tears to shed? Can someone, anyone help them get to God, the healer they need?

 

Tamela also acknowledged in the song that we are in God's way. The church should be pointing people to God and not becoming mini gods. No, this blog is not to suggest that there aren't any good churches, but it is to state there are too many hurting people.  I will continue to pray for those (self included) who have been hurt by the church. I will never again shun or silence one who needs to voice their pain. I will be the one with the courage to help them get back to God. Will you?

 

 

Abounding in Love and Growing in Grace,

 

 

Veronica

Happy New Year

"I am about to do a new thing, now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:19 (NRSV)

 

I woke up this morning to the sound of rain. My normal response on a rainy morning when I don't have to go to work would be to roll over, pull the cover over my head and return to blissful sleep.  However, this morning I was compelled to lie there and just listen to the raindrops.  While the rain fell, I thought there could be no better time to commune with God than now.  I began to meditate on the past, the good and the bad, and started to thank God for being present in every moment.  I contemplated on my spiritual state and felt the need draw closer to God. I had a strong desire to know God in a deeper sense. I wanted to know God in a new way.  Listening to the rain this morning resulted in a transformative moment that I feel I will result in eternal gratitude. As the rain fell, I imagined it cleansing me...it was purifying the pollutants. I allowed myself to become the embodiment of this process.  I inhaled positivity and exhaled negativity. I inhaled joy and exhaled sadness. I inhaled peace and exhaled confusion. In essence, I inhaled grace (the presence of God) and exhaled garbage (everything that stands in opposition to divinity and who I am in that space).

 

I am not big on resolutions, but I do know that when one receives revelation from God the gates of hell cannot prevail!!! When God speaks, the diligent and hungry hearer indeed has a resolve to see the spoken word manifest. My experience this morning has created a sense of expectation different from any time before. I do indeed feel like a new creation and I'm glad about it!!!!  This does not mean that I believe there will be no difficult times ahead, living life has taught me better.  However, it does mean that I'm confident that when those moments arise, God will be present to see me through. I believe God will give me/has given me the stuff needed to get through the stuff not wanted. God will not do for us what we are capable/able to do for ourselves. God specializes in doing the impossible.  For where and when we fall short, God stands to make up the difference. So when I come to time when I have to do the hard thing like closing a door on a relationship/circumstance that I may not want to, I have to look at the bigger picture.  When I am faced with doing the hard work to create a better future, I need to be willing to sacrifice in the short term for the long term benefit.  Perhaps that's another way to examine what Paul means by "For this slight momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all measure".  (2 Cor 4:17)

 

My excitement is not based on any trite cliche that rhymes with the year, (I'm going to win in 2010...couldn't think of anything that rhymed with 2013 off the top of my head), but rather it is simply based on what I know about God. I know the God who creates new mercies morning by morning. I am expecting THE NEW.  I am becoming THE NEW. Do yourself a favor and sing a new song, dance a new dance, visit a new place... These things don't have to have the same pedestrian meaning, but you can really create a new profound meaning for yourself.

 

Happy New Year!!! Happy New Me!!! Happy New You!!!

 

 

Abounding in Love and Growing in Grace!!!!

 

 

Veronica

Happy Birthday to Me

My actual birthday is November 21, but I've adopted the practice of celebrating all month.  This means each day I take time to do something for myself (read a book I've want to read, call someone I've been wanting to speak with, purchase a new nail polish or simply do nothing at all). On yesterday a young lady asked me how I felt about turning 40.  I was reminded of a conversation I had with my friend Brenda almost a decade ago.  Brenda told me that you don't really grow up until you turn 40.  I told that young lady that I now understand what she meant by that comment.  I find that I'm now at a place where I'm comfortable with me and comfortable with those who are not comfortable with me.  I'm not going out of my way to be a nuisance to others, but I fully realize that when I've not wronged an individual and they have a problem with me...well, it's just that - their problem.  I'm also not given to building/seeking relationships with those influenced by group think. I find that having a circle of friends with different opinions helps to broaden my mind and forces me to look beyond my own likes and dislikes.  It's unfortunate that many people are not comfortable with being who they really are or simply don't want to put in the work to find their authentic voice/self.  Far too often, people are okay with basing opinions of something/someone because of what their "friends" say or think about the thing or person. I'm over that!!! I'm understanding more and more the saying that some people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.  The ebbs and flows of relationships can keep us on an emotional roller coaster.  There are some people that have come and gone and I breathed a sigh of relief and there are others that when they departed it was over many tears. Nonetheless, I've learned that the gift of goodbye is a helpful tool to have in the toolbox. I've learned how to accept the the comings and the goings and appreciate the special times in between.  I've come to embrace the fact that I'm flawed and subject to missing the mark, but that doesn't mean that I can't make course corrections along the journey nor does it mean that I have to accept less than what I deserve from others.  I'm too fabulous to give up on me and my dreams to gain another's approval/acceptance (by the way, so are you)!!!!  This journey has taught me that both blessings and tribulations can come from out of nowhere, but I have it within me to handle whatever may come.

So, how do I feel about turning 40?  Pretty darn good!!!!

Abounding in Love and Growing in Grace,

Veronica

Beauty for Ashes

Yesterday I attended a housewarming for a friend whose original home was destroyed by fire.  She gave us a tour and we were all "wowed" at the beauty of the rebuilt home (most of us ladies were enamored by the master bath and walk-in closet with built-in shoe rack....actually the tour stopped right there). My friend began to describe the day when she received that call from her neighbor, while she was at work, saying that her home was being ravaged by fire.  One person in the group responded by saying, "And look, now you have 12 people standing in your bathroom with room for more".

Her story reminded of the call I received on September 19, 2009 at 4:00 am.  I answered to hear my niece  on the other end telling me that my parents home was on fire.  After getting confirmation that they made it out safely, I began the mad scramble to get a plane ticket, pack my bags and head home. When I finally arrived, I first had to lay eyes on my parents to make sure they were safe and then I went by the home.  My heart was overwhelmed with emotion.  First and foremost, I was extremely overjoyed that my parents made it out of what I would describe as complete rubble safely.  Then I was hit with an indescribable sadness as I examined the damage. As we waded through piles of rubble, trying to salvage whatever we could, I was amazed at how the small things (old photos, my old baby blanket....) brought so much joy. 

I'm not sure to what extent my friend had to "battle" with insurance companies and contractors, but in my parents case it felt like an uphill battle. These two situations caused me to reflect on the valley and mountaintop experiences life can present. We can be going along with our daily routines and receive one call that can change it all.  We can be living life, making plans and it can all be taken away...relationships are broken, health begins to deteriorate, finances end up in ruins...life gets messy and we are left sifting through the rubble for something to hold on to that gives us a sense of normalcy. 

What I've learned through these and other difficult moments, is that even in the midst of what seems to be utter turmoil, God can still restore.  God restores what was lost, but we've got to go through the process of rebuilding. Along the way, God will allow us to find small things that will help to stabilize us. God will point out or provide the simple things that we can hold on to until we get to the other side. One thing I know for sure is that when God restores, when God rebuilds - it is magnificent!!! This does not negate the tragedies we may experience, it does not mean that our lives may not be forever altered, but it does mean that after the pain, after the tears, after the devastation, we can once again experience joy.  God has a awesome way of turning rubbish into a beautiful masterpiece.  I look forward to seeing final masterpiece that I shall be!!!

Abounding in Love and Growing in Grace

Veronica

Waiting In The Wings

“For you need endurance, so that when you have done the will of God, you may receive what was promised.” (Hebrews 10:36 NRSV)

I have a confession.  For the past few months, I have been under heavy conviction. Most of it was a result of my morning drive to work.  I have taken the same route since February, but the past few months it appears as if the morning traffic jams have been the absolute worse.  My morning ritual usually consists of feeding my spirit with worship music. However, once I’m on the road it doesn’t take long for me to be taken out of that mode and become irritated and frustrated.  I’m saying things that aren’t holy, blowing my horn and giving people my “why are you so stupid glare?” One morning during my road rage, I clearly heard God ask three questions:

            Aren’t you still going to get there?

            Why are you so frustrated?

            Is your attitude making traffic move any faster?

I tried to put myself in check, but I felt my insides boiling.  All I wanted to do was get to work on time and these people were in my way.  Every morning, I’d find myself in this battle, until the conviction came.  As I was on the verge of once again getting upset, God asks “How do you so abruptly change from worship to wrath?”  OUCH!!!!!

Do I consider myself a mature believer?  Yes I do, however this clearly shows that I’m still a work in progress.  This was soon followed by an incident on my job that didn’t turn out quite like I’d envisioned and it left me rather salty to say the least. I had done everything I was supposed to do and then some.  I had done everything right, so how could it not work out for my good?  I have to admit that my attitude was completely awful and it showed to everyone.  However, within a few days, a greater opportunity presented itself and conviction set in once again.  I was embarrassed by the way I behaved.  I just wanted what I wanted, when I wanted it and how I wanted it.  My two year old self had raised her tempestuous head.

God has been dealing with me in the area of patience. Ironically, this pointed to another area that I needed to address – my faith.  Am I going to believe God for what God has promised, when it looks like it’s not going to happen?  Will I wait for the promise to manifest? Can I trust God for better when it looks like what was good has passed me by?

I was having dinner with a friend one night and she called me on the carpet.  She had a real honest discussion with me about what she saw and how my attitude was impeding what God was trying to do in my life.  Even though it can be a bitter pill to swallow, I’m grateful for a God who loves me enough to not allow me to be comfortable with my faults and friends who love me enough to pull my coat tail. 

So where does this leave me?  I leave home ten minutes earlier, which actually gives me more time to worship.  I also hold onto the words of the Hebrew writer in the midst of uncertainty and what looks like defeat, that doing the will of God requires patience/endurance if I’m going to receive the promise….so, I wait with confidence.

Abounding in Love and Growing in Grace…..

Veronica