The past few days have been very interesting. The conversations I’ve had and my prayer and meditation times have revealed quite a bit. Those of you who know me or have read previous blogs, know that I battle with fear of others reading my thoughts. I can verbally articulate them with no problem, however writing them down seems to trap them and make them permanently available for critique. I know there are several books inside of me that must be released, but the fear keeps me procrastinating. I expressed to a friend last night that it makes me feel vulnerable. After this conversation and meditating on my thoughts and emotions, I understand that it is this same vulnerability that will ultimately set me free and place me on the path to help others find freedom.
As I continue to peel back the layers to get to the root of this fear and vulnerability issue, I realize that it has more to do with pride and rejection that anything else. Pride and rejection are the sources and fear and vulnerability are the symptoms. So, I’ve decided that I will fight back. How? I will tell my story. I suffer from hurt pride and rejection because…simply my pride has been hurt due to rejection. I’ve been rejected by one I gave my heart (all of me) to. I’ve been rejected by groups and people that I wanted so desperately to be a part of or connected to. I’ve been rejected by ministries that I served faithfully. I’ve had papers/research proposals rejected by professors in the academy. I’ve been rejected by companies I wanted to work for. All of this rejection…well it hurt, it hurt my pride.
Now even with the hurt, I still have a choice. I can let fear and vulnerability reign or as I stated earlier I can fight back. What I now realize is that the rejection doesn’t mean that I’m not good enough. It means I have a story to tell. So, rather than cover it up with a bandage, I rip it off the wound and let it breath. I expose it so that others can see the ugliness, the oozing, the redness…, but so that they can also see it heal. I expose it so that others can see they are not the only ones with wounds. I expose it so that the wounded can see healing is possible. I expose it so that I can also be fully engaged in the healing process.
Another aspect to this pride situation…is that I was left asking why not me? Why couldn’t I be the one chosen? Why was I not good enough? What I have since learned is that there is a path we all must take. Sometimes rejection is a blessing in disguise. Sometimes rejection is the method used to help us receive God’s best and not what is just good or good enough. I shared with a group of ladies a few days ago, that it is actually an insult to God and the work of the Spirit when we compare ourselves to others. God says, “I know the plans I have for YOU”. This is an individual purpose and while it works for the collective good, there is a path for us individually to take. My path has created a not so typical minister. I don’t read the bible with the same lens as others. I don’t hold true/fast to some religious thoughts/practices as others. And you know what, I’m cool with that. My path has lead me to the knowledge that God is not transcendent (somewhere out there to be found) but rather God is immanent (dwelling within waiting to be heard). My path has taught me that God speaks even in the silence. When I’m writing and the words don’t flow, I sit because it means that there is something to which I have not paid close enough attention.
So I write this as a form of resistance. I have vowed to fight back against the hurt pride, rejection, fear and vulnerability by writing, by telling my story. I have decided to step out of the boat instead of clinging to the side.
Abounding in Love and Growing in Grace